My Darling Child,
I'm sure you've figured this out already, but you don't have a mom. There are some people in this world who will tell you that's a bad thing, but don't you pay them any mind. They just don't know any better. They've never had the chance or took the chance to love someone who is different than them to learn that the word mom is really nothing more than a name that a child calls their female parent. What they're really saying is every child needs a parent that will nurture them, cook them dinner, teach them manners, make them clean their room, do their laundry, kiss their boo boos, all the stereotypically 'mom' stuff. And you know what? I totally agree. Every child should have at least one parent who will do all these things and more for them.
Your parents just happen to be a Daddy and a Pappy, two men who love you more than we probably can even understand at this point in time and just as much as any other parent loves their child. And while we won't be perfect, I can promise you that we will be the best parents we know how to be. And all that 'mom' stuff? We've got that covered too. I can cook better than most women I know and your Daddy has been on me about cleaning our room for as long as I can remember so he's got plenty of practice. As for nurturing - you may just be begging for any other parents before we're done with you.
The best part, however, is for the one of the first times in history, Texas agrees with me.
You see, Texas law is kind of funny. It states that in order to use a gestational carrier to bring your child into the world, you must A) have a written letter from a doctor proving your infertility and B) be a married couple. Since neither of these statements are true for you parents in the eyes of Texas, we initially thought we would have a much harder time becoming parents because doing so involves taking the long way around. What typically happens is once a gestational carrier gives birth, she signs her rights to the child away to one of the parents, even though she has never had any rights to it in the first place because there is no biological connection. Then, the other parent begins the long road of a second parent adoption. There are a number of places that this can go wrong along the way, and it leaves the family open to a mountain of potential problems in the event something goes wrong before it is all complete. If the child were to get sick, the not legal parent cannot use their health insurance or be considered family at the hospital. If the non legal parent were to die, then the child would not be eligible for the government benefits that they should be entitled to. If the couple was to break up, then the non legal parent would have no legal rights to their child. The list goes on and on.
Do you remember when I started Your Story and I told you that the story of how you came to be was so special and unique that it needed to be shared so that others could see the possibilities and hold onto hope? My, how prophetic those words have come to be.
On November 12th, 2014, when you weren't even halfway cooked in your Aunt Tiffany's tummy, you made history. Our lawyer presented our case to a Texas judge who recognized our marriage from another state and ordered that on the day you are born, that you will indeed have two parents with full rights and responsibilities. You are one of the first children that this has ever happened to in Texas. Unfortunately, the ruling only applies to our family in this one case, but you have paved a route for other families in our state to gain legal protection and peace of mind.
You're already making me proud, kiddo.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
For Baby B
My darling child,
The moment we heard the news that we were having twins, we were completely overjoyed. Dr. Chuong said that your brother or sister was doing great, but he also warned us that he wasn't optimistic about your health. After the terrible night in the emergency room, I couldn't handle any more bad news, so I chose to just take each of the next days with blind optimism. We had seen our two babies on the screen, and that was enough for me.
I spent the entire next week praying for you and your health. Every moment I was awake, you were on my mind. I was convinced that I could simply will you into good health - that as long as you were alive in my heart, you'd stay alive here on Earth.
When we returned the next week to the clinic, Dr. Chuong found your brother/sister first. We saw a little flicker happening on the screen and we knew right away what that meant. A heartbeat! Dr. Chuong then played the heartbeat without even warning us, causing your Daddy to shake uncontrollably with tears of joy streaming down his face. It was the moment we'd been waiting for for a very long time. I was thrilled, of course, but I knew it wasn't over. I needed to see and hear you too before I could stop holding my breath.
He did find you, however, he did not find a heartbeat. We wouldn't be having twins after all.
It was a hard blow for me. I'd spent the last week planning out your life. I knew that you'd be just fine - you'd go on to be born at full term, dance with me in the living room as a kid, graduate from college, get married, and one day, hopefully, make me a GrandPappy.
But you were never to be of this Earth. You spent your short little life taking care of your sister or brother during those first few weeks of scariness and uncertainty, ultimately securing their future. And in those few short weeks, you made your Pappy and Daddy the happiest and proudest parents alive.
You were my entire world and I never even got to hold you, but I will hold you in my heart until the day I die.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
The moment we heard the news that we were having twins, we were completely overjoyed. Dr. Chuong said that your brother or sister was doing great, but he also warned us that he wasn't optimistic about your health. After the terrible night in the emergency room, I couldn't handle any more bad news, so I chose to just take each of the next days with blind optimism. We had seen our two babies on the screen, and that was enough for me.
I spent the entire next week praying for you and your health. Every moment I was awake, you were on my mind. I was convinced that I could simply will you into good health - that as long as you were alive in my heart, you'd stay alive here on Earth.
When we returned the next week to the clinic, Dr. Chuong found your brother/sister first. We saw a little flicker happening on the screen and we knew right away what that meant. A heartbeat! Dr. Chuong then played the heartbeat without even warning us, causing your Daddy to shake uncontrollably with tears of joy streaming down his face. It was the moment we'd been waiting for for a very long time. I was thrilled, of course, but I knew it wasn't over. I needed to see and hear you too before I could stop holding my breath.
He did find you, however, he did not find a heartbeat. We wouldn't be having twins after all.
It was a hard blow for me. I'd spent the last week planning out your life. I knew that you'd be just fine - you'd go on to be born at full term, dance with me in the living room as a kid, graduate from college, get married, and one day, hopefully, make me a GrandPappy.
But you were never to be of this Earth. You spent your short little life taking care of your sister or brother during those first few weeks of scariness and uncertainty, ultimately securing their future. And in those few short weeks, you made your Pappy and Daddy the happiest and proudest parents alive.
You were my entire world and I never even got to hold you, but I will hold you in my heart until the day I die.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Highs and Lows
My darling child,
The day your Daddy and I found out that we were pregnant was not exactly how I thought it'd go. You see, your Aunt Tiffany and I wanted desperately for her to pee on a stick so that we could find out as soon as possible but your Daddy was against that idea. He was vehemently against the idea because he wanted to be able to hold on to the idea of you for as long as possible, pregnant until proven otherwise. But he eventually was on board with us, so 5 days after the transfer, we showed up at your Aunt Tiffany's house at 6:30 in the morning, two pregnancy tests in hand.
Before she peed, we watched Uncle Craig give Aunt Tiffany her morning shot of Progesterone. (That reminds me, have you called your Aunt Tiffany lately?! You better, because she gave herself more than 100 shots to help bring you here!) After her shot, she went to the restroom and peed on the stick and we began waiting, leaving the stick in the bathroom so we wouldn't peek too early. We even waited a couple of extra minutes just to give that second line plenty of time to show up. Finally, your Uncle Craig volunteered to go get it. He placed it on the bed and all four of us crowded around, anxiously waiting to see the results.
Not pregnant.
If anyone was too upset, they didn't show it. We knew that testing this early was wishful thinking, so logically, we knew we'd just have to try again tomorrow. We went downstairs and your Daddy cut your Uncle Craig's hair while your Aunt Tiffany and I ate some breakfast and talked. I kept peeking at the test, hoping that something would change, but it hadn't. I was getting antsy. I decided I should go outside for some fresh air.
I paced and paced and paced. What if the transfer had been unsuccessful? How soon could we try again? We only have one egg left - will that one work? Maybe Daddy was right. Maybe we shouldn't have done this. I had secretly swiped the pee test and pulled it out of my pocket to look again. I held it up to the sun, tilted it to a 73 degree angle, squinted one eye and held my breath.
I saw the faintest pink line in the history of all lines.
Surely I'm imagining this. I took it inside to show everyone else, but the line was gone. No one could see it! Daddy was still cutting Uncle Craig's hair so I took Aunt Tiffany outside to see and she saw it too! Daddy and Uncle Craig rushed out and confirmed it. We were pregnant. We were all very excited, but to be honest, I was slightly disappointed that it hadn't been a BIG moment. All the, "is there a line? No? Yes? Maybe? Kind of?" had taken some of the magic out of it. (Pappy likes a little drama if you haven't noticed).
Fast forward a few weeks - "I am bleeding a bit today." Aunt Tiffany's text gave me a small heart attack, but I knew that this was common and didn't necessarily mean disaster. Six hours later though, the bleeding had gotten worse and she was beginning to pass small blood clots. Now I was scared. I went out to my truck and left a message for Dr. Chuong. I let myself think too hard about it and began praying through my sobs. Please God, let my baby be okay.
Dr. Chuong suggested we go to the emergency room, so I immediately left work, picked up Daddy, then drove to Aunt Tiffany's. We all spoke positively, but there was an undeniable air of sadness and worry in the drive there. We waited to be called back, and during that wait I was reminded of why we chose your Aunt Tiffany in the first place. Her presence brought me and your Daddy so much comfort and peace. I had a feeling it would all turn out just fine
After some blood tests and an ultrasound, the emergency room doctor came in and broke the news. The gestational sac was empty. There was a large hemorrhage in her uterus. You were gone.
Shock quickly turned to sadness. Daddy left the room and I knew why. He didn't want anyone to see him cry. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to comfort Daddy, but I didn't wanted to leave Aunt Tiffany alone. She was the one physically having the miscarriage after all and she needed support too. But it was our baby that had just been lost and I needed to cry with Daddy, but I didn't want Aunt Tiffany to see us cry because I didn't want her to feel guilty, like she was the cause of our sadness. So I hugged her, said something I don't remember, and went to find Daddy. I found him outside on a bench. We sat on the bench and cried and cried and cried. Not our baby. Not our baby.
When we went back in the room, we all tried to stay positive. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe the ultrasound tech sucks at her job. Maybe it's too early. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Whether Daddy and Aunt Tiffany believed what we were saying, I don't know. But I didn't. I was too hurt to be positive, but I wasn't going to admit that to them. I knew I needed to begin wrestling with the idea that you were gone.
The next day, we had a follow up appointment with Dr. Chuong. Daddy and Aunt Tiffany were still so positive and I played along so I wouldn't be a jerk. We went in the ultrasound room, and he turned on the screen. He searched the black and white screen for what seemed like an eternity, and said nothing.
I don't remember what he said finally first. It's all a blur, even though it was just this morning. But he pointed to the screen and said, "There's your baby." I began sobbing immediately. My baby! My baby! Thanks be to God!
He kept talking and moving the screen. I was too emotional to understand what was happening or what he was doing. He stopped again and said, "There's your other baby."
And so I had it. I wanted my BIG moment, and boy, did I get it. That was twelve hours ago, and me and Daddy are still wearing our big cheesy teary-eyed grins.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
The day your Daddy and I found out that we were pregnant was not exactly how I thought it'd go. You see, your Aunt Tiffany and I wanted desperately for her to pee on a stick so that we could find out as soon as possible but your Daddy was against that idea. He was vehemently against the idea because he wanted to be able to hold on to the idea of you for as long as possible, pregnant until proven otherwise. But he eventually was on board with us, so 5 days after the transfer, we showed up at your Aunt Tiffany's house at 6:30 in the morning, two pregnancy tests in hand.
Before she peed, we watched Uncle Craig give Aunt Tiffany her morning shot of Progesterone. (That reminds me, have you called your Aunt Tiffany lately?! You better, because she gave herself more than 100 shots to help bring you here!) After her shot, she went to the restroom and peed on the stick and we began waiting, leaving the stick in the bathroom so we wouldn't peek too early. We even waited a couple of extra minutes just to give that second line plenty of time to show up. Finally, your Uncle Craig volunteered to go get it. He placed it on the bed and all four of us crowded around, anxiously waiting to see the results.
Not pregnant.
If anyone was too upset, they didn't show it. We knew that testing this early was wishful thinking, so logically, we knew we'd just have to try again tomorrow. We went downstairs and your Daddy cut your Uncle Craig's hair while your Aunt Tiffany and I ate some breakfast and talked. I kept peeking at the test, hoping that something would change, but it hadn't. I was getting antsy. I decided I should go outside for some fresh air.
I paced and paced and paced. What if the transfer had been unsuccessful? How soon could we try again? We only have one egg left - will that one work? Maybe Daddy was right. Maybe we shouldn't have done this. I had secretly swiped the pee test and pulled it out of my pocket to look again. I held it up to the sun, tilted it to a 73 degree angle, squinted one eye and held my breath.
I saw the faintest pink line in the history of all lines.
Surely I'm imagining this. I took it inside to show everyone else, but the line was gone. No one could see it! Daddy was still cutting Uncle Craig's hair so I took Aunt Tiffany outside to see and she saw it too! Daddy and Uncle Craig rushed out and confirmed it. We were pregnant. We were all very excited, but to be honest, I was slightly disappointed that it hadn't been a BIG moment. All the, "is there a line? No? Yes? Maybe? Kind of?" had taken some of the magic out of it. (Pappy likes a little drama if you haven't noticed).
Fast forward a few weeks - "I am bleeding a bit today." Aunt Tiffany's text gave me a small heart attack, but I knew that this was common and didn't necessarily mean disaster. Six hours later though, the bleeding had gotten worse and she was beginning to pass small blood clots. Now I was scared. I went out to my truck and left a message for Dr. Chuong. I let myself think too hard about it and began praying through my sobs. Please God, let my baby be okay.
Dr. Chuong suggested we go to the emergency room, so I immediately left work, picked up Daddy, then drove to Aunt Tiffany's. We all spoke positively, but there was an undeniable air of sadness and worry in the drive there. We waited to be called back, and during that wait I was reminded of why we chose your Aunt Tiffany in the first place. Her presence brought me and your Daddy so much comfort and peace. I had a feeling it would all turn out just fine
After some blood tests and an ultrasound, the emergency room doctor came in and broke the news. The gestational sac was empty. There was a large hemorrhage in her uterus. You were gone.
Shock quickly turned to sadness. Daddy left the room and I knew why. He didn't want anyone to see him cry. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to comfort Daddy, but I didn't wanted to leave Aunt Tiffany alone. She was the one physically having the miscarriage after all and she needed support too. But it was our baby that had just been lost and I needed to cry with Daddy, but I didn't want Aunt Tiffany to see us cry because I didn't want her to feel guilty, like she was the cause of our sadness. So I hugged her, said something I don't remember, and went to find Daddy. I found him outside on a bench. We sat on the bench and cried and cried and cried. Not our baby. Not our baby.
When we went back in the room, we all tried to stay positive. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe the ultrasound tech sucks at her job. Maybe it's too early. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Whether Daddy and Aunt Tiffany believed what we were saying, I don't know. But I didn't. I was too hurt to be positive, but I wasn't going to admit that to them. I knew I needed to begin wrestling with the idea that you were gone.
The next day, we had a follow up appointment with Dr. Chuong. Daddy and Aunt Tiffany were still so positive and I played along so I wouldn't be a jerk. We went in the ultrasound room, and he turned on the screen. He searched the black and white screen for what seemed like an eternity, and said nothing.
I don't remember what he said finally first. It's all a blur, even though it was just this morning. But he pointed to the screen and said, "There's your baby." I began sobbing immediately. My baby! My baby! Thanks be to God!
He kept talking and moving the screen. I was too emotional to understand what was happening or what he was doing. He stopped again and said, "There's your other baby."
And so I had it. I wanted my BIG moment, and boy, did I get it. That was twelve hours ago, and me and Daddy are still wearing our big cheesy teary-eyed grins.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Your Gestational Surrogate
My darling child,
Earlier in Your Story, I told you about a friend of your Pappy and Daddy who was initially going to be your surrogate. Because of her good heart and generosity, we gained enough courage to book our first consultation with Dr Chuong and the ball started rolling - quickly. However, time revealed that the timeline your Daddy and I were set on didn't quite fit with that of our friend. It was a hard to decision to make, but we all agreed that our friend wasn't going to be ready to make that kind of commitment.
The setback was a tough one to swallow. We already knew that the fees charged by agencies were not a reality for our savings account, and there was no one else we felt comfortable asking. How were we going to get over this hurdle?
On your Daddy's birthday, he and I decided to spend the day in Galveston together. We were still struggling with the heartache of being unsure of how to proceed, so we made a promise to each other at the beginning of the day not to bring any of it up and to just try and enjoy the day. I wanted so badly for your Daddy to have a good birthday and to cheer him up, so first, I took him to an outlet mall, handed him the debit card, and said, "Go to town." His eyes lit up like it was Christmas! He went to store after store after store after store...after store...after store. But he never bought a single thing. I couldn't understand what was going on at first, but then it hit me. Even though he never said it aloud, he knew that every penny he spent would be a penny less we would save, and we'd be another day further from you. My plan had backfired, and now we were both moping around the mall, even more upset than when we started. We got in the car and decided to just go have lunch somewhere on the sea wall. I don't remember who broke the silence first now, but one of us finally said, "What are we going to do?"
I'd been playing with the idea of posting an ad on Facebook or Craigslist, but it was a scary thought. How could we ever feel comfortable with a complete stranger carrying our child, when neither of us could even name a handful of people we would even allow to babysit for an afternoon? Publicly asking for help felt almost humiliating to our prideful-selves, especially when we had barely told anyone what we were doing. But in the end, we saw no other option. We knew we would never choose anyone who we weren't 100% comfortable with and if it got us nowhere, at least we had tried. So during your Daddy's birthday lunch, we went for it. This was the post:
The responses were overwhelming. Even if we hadn't found anyone suitable to be your gestational surrogate from it, I would have been so glad we chose to share our struggle. Our friends shared the post, then their friends shared it, and before we knew it, it had practically gone viral. Complete strangers literally from all over the country responded by telling us about them and let us know that they were there for us if we needed them, offering to carry you. It was by far the most beautiful and humbling experience of my life thus far. We tried to keep track of everyone who contacted us but that became impossible to do by memory alone. But it made for one heck of a birthday for Daddy.
Somewhere in the midst of the beautiful chaos, a woman sent us a message saying that her friend Tiffany would be interested if someone would contact her. I clicked on the link to her name, just like I had done with dozens of women before her, but I instantly knew that she was someone special. If you're thinking this is an exaggeration because she's the one we ended up choosing, your Daddy and Aunt Shanna will tell you it's not - I didn't stop talking about her for days. There was just something so pure and beautiful about her. It was obvious that she loved her family fiercely, a quality you already know I admire. Her eyes and smile exuded love and unabashed joy. I knew she was smart because her grammar and spelling were perfect, but I knew she was far from pretentious because there were pictures of her shaving her head to raise money for a cancer charity. She had already been planning to be a surrogate in the coming year, so I also felt great comfort in knowing she had a good idea of what was to come. At the end of that week, we had dinner with her and her family and I was happy to learn that my instincts were correct. She was incredible. To top things off, we adored her boyfriend and had a great time laughing it up with him and we admired her smart and well behaved children, Exhibits A and B of her hard work and dedication as a mother.
Meeting them taught me and your Daddy an important lesson we didn't expect. We thought that having a baby would be the thing that finally made us a family. But adding your Aunt Tiffany and Uncle Craig into our lives made us realize that we'd already made a family, and that it was one we couldn't wait to bring you into.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
Earlier in Your Story, I told you about a friend of your Pappy and Daddy who was initially going to be your surrogate. Because of her good heart and generosity, we gained enough courage to book our first consultation with Dr Chuong and the ball started rolling - quickly. However, time revealed that the timeline your Daddy and I were set on didn't quite fit with that of our friend. It was a hard to decision to make, but we all agreed that our friend wasn't going to be ready to make that kind of commitment.
The setback was a tough one to swallow. We already knew that the fees charged by agencies were not a reality for our savings account, and there was no one else we felt comfortable asking. How were we going to get over this hurdle?
On your Daddy's birthday, he and I decided to spend the day in Galveston together. We were still struggling with the heartache of being unsure of how to proceed, so we made a promise to each other at the beginning of the day not to bring any of it up and to just try and enjoy the day. I wanted so badly for your Daddy to have a good birthday and to cheer him up, so first, I took him to an outlet mall, handed him the debit card, and said, "Go to town." His eyes lit up like it was Christmas! He went to store after store after store after store...after store...after store. But he never bought a single thing. I couldn't understand what was going on at first, but then it hit me. Even though he never said it aloud, he knew that every penny he spent would be a penny less we would save, and we'd be another day further from you. My plan had backfired, and now we were both moping around the mall, even more upset than when we started. We got in the car and decided to just go have lunch somewhere on the sea wall. I don't remember who broke the silence first now, but one of us finally said, "What are we going to do?"
I'd been playing with the idea of posting an ad on Facebook or Craigslist, but it was a scary thought. How could we ever feel comfortable with a complete stranger carrying our child, when neither of us could even name a handful of people we would even allow to babysit for an afternoon? Publicly asking for help felt almost humiliating to our prideful-selves, especially when we had barely told anyone what we were doing. But in the end, we saw no other option. We knew we would never choose anyone who we weren't 100% comfortable with and if it got us nowhere, at least we had tried. So during your Daddy's birthday lunch, we went for it. This was the post:
I don't usually care to put too much of our personal business on Facebook, but we are out of other options and we could really use your help.
Derek and I have been working with a fertility clinic for a while now so that we can achieve our dream of creating a family. Unfortunately, our amazing friend and would-be gestational carrier has had to back out due to personal issues and we've already spent a great deal of money that will go to waste if we don't find another one and begin the fertilization process within the next nine months. This is a very expensive process that will already end up costing between $50k and $60k, so we aren't able to pay the more than $100k that a surrogacy agency charges (and that the surrogate sees almost none of). So we have to do what I hate doing more than you know; ask for help.
So I ask: Are you or do you know someone that has ever wanted to be a gestational carrier? (Gestational means that it will not be your egg - you are the oven that cooks the bun) You must have already had at least one uncomplicated pregnancy, be under age 35, have health insurance (or allow us to find you a provider at our cost), not smoke or do drugs, have a BMI of 34 or less, and live in a safe and loving environment that will grow our child. We, of course, would take care of every expense from start to finish and decide with you your fee for helping us.
Please feel free to call, text, or share if you think you may be able to help us fulfill our dream of having a family. Thank you!
Somewhere in the midst of the beautiful chaos, a woman sent us a message saying that her friend Tiffany would be interested if someone would contact her. I clicked on the link to her name, just like I had done with dozens of women before her, but I instantly knew that she was someone special. If you're thinking this is an exaggeration because she's the one we ended up choosing, your Daddy and Aunt Shanna will tell you it's not - I didn't stop talking about her for days. There was just something so pure and beautiful about her. It was obvious that she loved her family fiercely, a quality you already know I admire. Her eyes and smile exuded love and unabashed joy. I knew she was smart because her grammar and spelling were perfect, but I knew she was far from pretentious because there were pictures of her shaving her head to raise money for a cancer charity. She had already been planning to be a surrogate in the coming year, so I also felt great comfort in knowing she had a good idea of what was to come. At the end of that week, we had dinner with her and her family and I was happy to learn that my instincts were correct. She was incredible. To top things off, we adored her boyfriend and had a great time laughing it up with him and we admired her smart and well behaved children, Exhibits A and B of her hard work and dedication as a mother.
Meeting them taught me and your Daddy an important lesson we didn't expect. We thought that having a baby would be the thing that finally made us a family. But adding your Aunt Tiffany and Uncle Craig into our lives made us realize that we'd already made a family, and that it was one we couldn't wait to bring you into.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Your Egg Donor
My darling child,
When your Daddy and I first began seriously considering IVF and surrogacy, we knew we would have to choose an egg donor as well. We started with websites online where sweet, young, and beautiful women offer their eggs to parents who need them to start a family, and we looked at all of the options available to us. Sure, these women were all very beautiful and well-educated, but those things didn't matter in the end. It was very important that we chose someone who above all things, embodied both strength and compassion. But, we would probably never meet these women in person, so it was impossible to know what they were really like.
It was also very important for us that your egg donor be someone that you could meet if you ever chose to do so. One of the reasons I'm writing Your Story is so that you know where you come from and why you are here. Most of these women, however, were not interested in knowing what happened to their eggs after they donated them, and that was not what me and Daddy wanted for you.
During my many hours of researching IVF, surrogacy, and egg donation, I came across a story of a woman who was struggling with infertility. She had learned that her eggs were not healthy enough to create a child and was absolutely devastated. She shared with her sister what she was going through and her sister replied without even thinking it over, "I want you to use my eggs." The sister struggling with infertility was initially shocked, but as time went on, she realized that using her sister's egg would be the best way to maintain a biological connection, and ultimately agreed. Once the child had arrived, the mother realized how her own blood was truly pumping through the heart of her child and was so glad to have used the help of her sister. The experience also brought her and her sister closer together and she never had a single regret. I continued to do more research on the topic and found that siblings helping their siblings create a child was becoming more and more common.
That got me to thinking about your Aunt Misty. What would she think about this? Would she consider it? Is it weird for a brother to ask a sister for her eggs? I was a little disappointed at first, knowing that definitely meant your Daddy's DNA would be used and not mine, but your Daddy and I discussed it and decided we would ask.
"Of course. If the doctor thinks I have good eggs, of course you can have them," she said on the phone, without hesitation or even a second thought. Now, I have to admit that selfishly, what I was most excited about initially was knowing that you and I would still have a biological connection, even if you weren't from my DNA specifically. But as time went on, I began to realize just how special this was.
Let me tell you a little about your Aunt Misty. She and I grew up together and were less than two years apart in age and have been inseparable (even when we wanted desperately to be separate) since she was born. She's the longest friendship I've ever been able to keep and there's no one else on this earth who shares all of the same childhood memories as me.
My darling child, when I finally get to see your perfect face, I pray to God that I can see some of your Aunt Misty in you too. She is truly one of the most remarkable people I've ever known because everything she does, she does it fiercely. She loves her family so fiercely that we all know without a doubt, she would jump through hoops of fire to secure our happiness and safety. Whatever job she's doing, she does it fiercely because she believes that her work is a reflection of her character and she knows that people are counting on her. She's battled her addictions fiercely and proved all the statistics wrong to show that she is not defined by her mistakes and that she can and will thrive. She is smart but humble, caring but courageous. We are blessed to have her in our family and you are blessed to have her DNA in your blood.
It used to make me nervous that you and your Aunt Misty might have a special bond that would make me a little jealous. Now I hope and pray that your bond with her is every bit as special as the one she and I share.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
When your Daddy and I first began seriously considering IVF and surrogacy, we knew we would have to choose an egg donor as well. We started with websites online where sweet, young, and beautiful women offer their eggs to parents who need them to start a family, and we looked at all of the options available to us. Sure, these women were all very beautiful and well-educated, but those things didn't matter in the end. It was very important that we chose someone who above all things, embodied both strength and compassion. But, we would probably never meet these women in person, so it was impossible to know what they were really like.
It was also very important for us that your egg donor be someone that you could meet if you ever chose to do so. One of the reasons I'm writing Your Story is so that you know where you come from and why you are here. Most of these women, however, were not interested in knowing what happened to their eggs after they donated them, and that was not what me and Daddy wanted for you.
During my many hours of researching IVF, surrogacy, and egg donation, I came across a story of a woman who was struggling with infertility. She had learned that her eggs were not healthy enough to create a child and was absolutely devastated. She shared with her sister what she was going through and her sister replied without even thinking it over, "I want you to use my eggs." The sister struggling with infertility was initially shocked, but as time went on, she realized that using her sister's egg would be the best way to maintain a biological connection, and ultimately agreed. Once the child had arrived, the mother realized how her own blood was truly pumping through the heart of her child and was so glad to have used the help of her sister. The experience also brought her and her sister closer together and she never had a single regret. I continued to do more research on the topic and found that siblings helping their siblings create a child was becoming more and more common.
That got me to thinking about your Aunt Misty. What would she think about this? Would she consider it? Is it weird for a brother to ask a sister for her eggs? I was a little disappointed at first, knowing that definitely meant your Daddy's DNA would be used and not mine, but your Daddy and I discussed it and decided we would ask.
"Of course. If the doctor thinks I have good eggs, of course you can have them," she said on the phone, without hesitation or even a second thought. Now, I have to admit that selfishly, what I was most excited about initially was knowing that you and I would still have a biological connection, even if you weren't from my DNA specifically. But as time went on, I began to realize just how special this was.
Let me tell you a little about your Aunt Misty. She and I grew up together and were less than two years apart in age and have been inseparable (even when we wanted desperately to be separate) since she was born. She's the longest friendship I've ever been able to keep and there's no one else on this earth who shares all of the same childhood memories as me.
My darling child, when I finally get to see your perfect face, I pray to God that I can see some of your Aunt Misty in you too. She is truly one of the most remarkable people I've ever known because everything she does, she does it fiercely. She loves her family so fiercely that we all know without a doubt, she would jump through hoops of fire to secure our happiness and safety. Whatever job she's doing, she does it fiercely because she believes that her work is a reflection of her character and she knows that people are counting on her. She's battled her addictions fiercely and proved all the statistics wrong to show that she is not defined by her mistakes and that she can and will thrive. She is smart but humble, caring but courageous. We are blessed to have her in our family and you are blessed to have her DNA in your blood.
It used to make me nervous that you and your Aunt Misty might have a special bond that would make me a little jealous. Now I hope and pray that your bond with her is every bit as special as the one she and I share.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
Monday, July 14, 2014
Learning the Process and the Law
My darling child,
After waiting nearly a month, the day of our first consultation had finally arrived. Your Daddies were so nervous and had no idea what to expect, but we were excited nonetheless. We walked into Dr Chuong's office at the Cooper Institute for Reproductive Medicine, signed in, and were handed a stack of paperwork to fill out. That paperwork served as another reminder to us that we would be adventuring on a rarely taken path - on every form, we had to scratch out "wife" and insert "husband."
Once that was done, we were called back by a nurse named Nancy. Nancy was young and full of joy. Her cheerful disposition immediately put us at ease, but she wasted no time at all delving into the specifics of what was to come. Nancy's role was explaining the medical procedures. She spoke 100 miles an hour, used words that neither of us were familiar with, and gave us the rundown of seven months of work in under five minutes. When she left the room to go get the next nurse, your Daddy and I just looked at each other, wondering what in the world had just happened. It was very overwhelming, but Nancy was so sweet and optimistic that we decided to see what the next nurse had to say.
This nurse spoke even faster, used even bigger words, and had a very thick accent that made understanding any of it next to impossible. Her role in the consultation was to give us a sneak peek into the legal contracts, psychological evaluations, and other necessary non-medical processes that take place. By the time she had left the room, your Pappy and Daddy's heads were spinning. Hopefully everything she just said would be in the pamphlets she left behind for us to take home.
Finally, Dr Choung himself walked in. He was an older man and it was quite clear that he didn't have many gay friends. One of the first things he said to us in his heavy accent was, "Being gay is cool now, is it not?" It was actually very sweet, if you can picture it. He went on to tell us that he had only ever worked with one gay couple before who came in with two surrogates and both ended up getting pregnant with twins. Yikes! By the end of our consultation, we felt confident that we were in the right place for us, even if they weren't quite sure how to handle us. (One of our most favorite moments at the clinic happened one afternoon when we were about to leave, but Dr Chuong saw us in the hallway and asked us to wait. He came back with a photocopy he had made of an article about Gay Day at Disneyworld, a day that families with gay parents can come have fun without any fears in the back of their mind. Even though your Daddy and I don't feel the need to attend 'Gay Days,' it meant a whole, whole lot to us that our Dr, who still wasn't quite sure what to make of us, went out of his way to share something he was proud of and hoped would help our family.)
After leaving the consultation, we consulted with a lawyer who told us about the laws in Texas. It was possible, but long and expensive - even more than the IVF procedure. Even though we weren't thrilled that only one of us could be a legal parent at birth and that the other would have to "adopt" you once you were born, we didn't care. If that's what it took, that's what we would do. (Fate stepped in again later and revealed to us a much better plan.)
We now had all the information we needed to proceed. Most importantly, we knew how much money we needed to save and immediately began our diet of Ramen Noodle Soup and Hamburger Helper. And for the first time, it all felt so very real. Our baby was finally coming home.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
After waiting nearly a month, the day of our first consultation had finally arrived. Your Daddies were so nervous and had no idea what to expect, but we were excited nonetheless. We walked into Dr Chuong's office at the Cooper Institute for Reproductive Medicine, signed in, and were handed a stack of paperwork to fill out. That paperwork served as another reminder to us that we would be adventuring on a rarely taken path - on every form, we had to scratch out "wife" and insert "husband."
Once that was done, we were called back by a nurse named Nancy. Nancy was young and full of joy. Her cheerful disposition immediately put us at ease, but she wasted no time at all delving into the specifics of what was to come. Nancy's role was explaining the medical procedures. She spoke 100 miles an hour, used words that neither of us were familiar with, and gave us the rundown of seven months of work in under five minutes. When she left the room to go get the next nurse, your Daddy and I just looked at each other, wondering what in the world had just happened. It was very overwhelming, but Nancy was so sweet and optimistic that we decided to see what the next nurse had to say.
This nurse spoke even faster, used even bigger words, and had a very thick accent that made understanding any of it next to impossible. Her role in the consultation was to give us a sneak peek into the legal contracts, psychological evaluations, and other necessary non-medical processes that take place. By the time she had left the room, your Pappy and Daddy's heads were spinning. Hopefully everything she just said would be in the pamphlets she left behind for us to take home.
Finally, Dr Choung himself walked in. He was an older man and it was quite clear that he didn't have many gay friends. One of the first things he said to us in his heavy accent was, "Being gay is cool now, is it not?" It was actually very sweet, if you can picture it. He went on to tell us that he had only ever worked with one gay couple before who came in with two surrogates and both ended up getting pregnant with twins. Yikes! By the end of our consultation, we felt confident that we were in the right place for us, even if they weren't quite sure how to handle us. (One of our most favorite moments at the clinic happened one afternoon when we were about to leave, but Dr Chuong saw us in the hallway and asked us to wait. He came back with a photocopy he had made of an article about Gay Day at Disneyworld, a day that families with gay parents can come have fun without any fears in the back of their mind. Even though your Daddy and I don't feel the need to attend 'Gay Days,' it meant a whole, whole lot to us that our Dr, who still wasn't quite sure what to make of us, went out of his way to share something he was proud of and hoped would help our family.)
After leaving the consultation, we consulted with a lawyer who told us about the laws in Texas. It was possible, but long and expensive - even more than the IVF procedure. Even though we weren't thrilled that only one of us could be a legal parent at birth and that the other would have to "adopt" you once you were born, we didn't care. If that's what it took, that's what we would do. (Fate stepped in again later and revealed to us a much better plan.)
We now had all the information we needed to proceed. Most importantly, we knew how much money we needed to save and immediately began our diet of Ramen Noodle Soup and Hamburger Helper. And for the first time, it all felt so very real. Our baby was finally coming home.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Misinformation and/or Discrimination
My darling child,
I hesitate to even write this part of Your Story because I want to protect you from knowing that there are people out there who don't understand our family. I wish I didn't have to warn you that you may come across people who will think hateful thoughts or use harmful words in order to make you feel inferior. I wish I didn't have to teach you that there will be people in this world who tell you that you cannot, even though you can. I wish that the 'bad guys' didn't exist and that you never come across one, but they do and you probably will, especially as the world gets closer and closer to realizing equality.
Sometimes though, the bad guys creating adversity is what makes the 'Happily Ever After' that much sweeter. Think about it - what would 101 Dalmations have been without a Cruella De Vil? Batman without a Joker? Peter Pan without a Captain Hook? Harry Potter without a Lord Voldemort? Your Story is entirely too great to not have come across a bad guy or two along the way.
After your Daddy and I emailed three different IVF doctors about setting up a consultation to discuss conceiving you through an Egg Donor and Gestational Surrogate, we grew more excited with each passing moment. We were finally embarking on the adventure that would lead to you. We still had no real idea of what lay ahead, but we knew we were already closer than we'd ever been.
We finally heard back from two of the doctors we emailed, and it was not good news. I didn't save the emails, though I now wish I had, but they both looked very similar to this.
Dear Mr. And Mr. Deriso,
Thank you for inquiring about our services. We regret to inform you that the arrangement you seek is not allowed by the state of Texas and cannot be performed by a licensed physician. Have a nice day.
Sincerely,
The Bad Guys
To say that we were crushed would be an understatement. I don't think I'll ever forget that afternoon or that feeling of devastation for as I long as I live. Nowhere had we read that gestational surrogacy was not allowed in Texas or that gay couples were barred from using it as a means to start a family. Then again, we'd also never found a single story showing this *was* a possibility so it was entirely possible that I was wrong. Your Daddy and I sat on opposite ends of the couch and for the first time, said out loud one of our biggest fears. What if we never get to be parents?
The rest of that day was a quiet one. Every now and then, one of us would half heartedly suggest researching other options such as going to another state, but we both knew that our financial barriers could never allow it. We went to bed that night with heavy hearts, missing someone we had never even met.
When we woke the next day, we saw that we had finally heard from the third doctor. To our great surprise and confusion, he said he'd be happy to work with us and to call his office for a consult. But I thought this wasn't allowed in Texas? I decided to stop taking someone's word for it and do more research for myself. So your Pappy did what he does best - he Googled it.
It turned out that we had been lied to. Whether it was simply a case of misinformation or discrimination, we'll never really know, but I suspect it was the latter. I highly doubt that someone with enough intelligence to obtain a medical license and perform skilled operations was simply ignorant to the laws that are directed at their profession.
Having beaten our first bad guy and booked our first consultation, your Daddy and I were back on our journey. We were cautiously optimistic, but more determined than ever to bring you home.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
I hesitate to even write this part of Your Story because I want to protect you from knowing that there are people out there who don't understand our family. I wish I didn't have to warn you that you may come across people who will think hateful thoughts or use harmful words in order to make you feel inferior. I wish I didn't have to teach you that there will be people in this world who tell you that you cannot, even though you can. I wish that the 'bad guys' didn't exist and that you never come across one, but they do and you probably will, especially as the world gets closer and closer to realizing equality.
Sometimes though, the bad guys creating adversity is what makes the 'Happily Ever After' that much sweeter. Think about it - what would 101 Dalmations have been without a Cruella De Vil? Batman without a Joker? Peter Pan without a Captain Hook? Harry Potter without a Lord Voldemort? Your Story is entirely too great to not have come across a bad guy or two along the way.
After your Daddy and I emailed three different IVF doctors about setting up a consultation to discuss conceiving you through an Egg Donor and Gestational Surrogate, we grew more excited with each passing moment. We were finally embarking on the adventure that would lead to you. We still had no real idea of what lay ahead, but we knew we were already closer than we'd ever been.
We finally heard back from two of the doctors we emailed, and it was not good news. I didn't save the emails, though I now wish I had, but they both looked very similar to this.
Dear Mr. And Mr. Deriso,
Thank you for inquiring about our services. We regret to inform you that the arrangement you seek is not allowed by the state of Texas and cannot be performed by a licensed physician. Have a nice day.
Sincerely,
The Bad Guys
To say that we were crushed would be an understatement. I don't think I'll ever forget that afternoon or that feeling of devastation for as I long as I live. Nowhere had we read that gestational surrogacy was not allowed in Texas or that gay couples were barred from using it as a means to start a family. Then again, we'd also never found a single story showing this *was* a possibility so it was entirely possible that I was wrong. Your Daddy and I sat on opposite ends of the couch and for the first time, said out loud one of our biggest fears. What if we never get to be parents?
The rest of that day was a quiet one. Every now and then, one of us would half heartedly suggest researching other options such as going to another state, but we both knew that our financial barriers could never allow it. We went to bed that night with heavy hearts, missing someone we had never even met.
When we woke the next day, we saw that we had finally heard from the third doctor. To our great surprise and confusion, he said he'd be happy to work with us and to call his office for a consult. But I thought this wasn't allowed in Texas? I decided to stop taking someone's word for it and do more research for myself. So your Pappy did what he does best - he Googled it.
It turned out that we had been lied to. Whether it was simply a case of misinformation or discrimination, we'll never really know, but I suspect it was the latter. I highly doubt that someone with enough intelligence to obtain a medical license and perform skilled operations was simply ignorant to the laws that are directed at their profession.
Having beaten our first bad guy and booked our first consultation, your Daddy and I were back on our journey. We were cautiously optimistic, but more determined than ever to bring you home.
We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy
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