Your Gestational Surrogate

My darling child,

Earlier in Your Story, I told you about a friend of your Pappy and Daddy who was initially going to be your surrogate. Because of her good heart and generosity, we gained enough courage to book our first consultation with Dr Chuong and the ball started rolling - quickly. However, time revealed that the timeline your Daddy and I were set on didn't quite fit with that of our friend. It was a hard to decision to make, but we all agreed that our friend wasn't going to be ready to make that kind of commitment.

The setback was a tough one to swallow. We already knew that the fees charged by agencies were not a reality for our savings account, and there was no one else we felt comfortable asking. How were we going to get over this hurdle?

On your Daddy's birthday, he and I decided to spend the day in Galveston together. We were still struggling with the heartache of being unsure of how to proceed, so we made a promise to each other at the beginning of the day not to bring any of it up and to just try and enjoy the day. I wanted so badly for your Daddy to have a good birthday and to cheer him up, so first, I took him to an outlet mall, handed him the debit card, and said, "Go to town." His eyes lit up like it was Christmas! He went to store after store after store after store...after store...after store. But he never bought a single thing. I couldn't understand what was going on at first, but then it hit me. Even though he never said it aloud, he knew that every penny he spent would be a penny less we would save, and we'd be another day further from you. My plan had backfired, and now we were both moping around the mall, even more upset than when we started. We got in the car and decided to just go have lunch somewhere on the sea wall. I don't remember who broke the silence first now, but one of us finally said, "What are we going to do?"

I'd been playing with the idea of posting an ad on Facebook or Craigslist, but it was a scary thought. How could we ever feel comfortable with a complete stranger carrying our child, when neither of us could even name a handful of people we would even allow to babysit for an afternoon? Publicly asking for help felt almost humiliating to our prideful-selves, especially when we had barely told anyone what we were doing. But in the end, we saw no other option. We knew we would never choose anyone who we weren't 100% comfortable with and if it got us nowhere, at least we had tried. So during your Daddy's birthday lunch, we went for it. This was the post:

I don't usually care to put too much of our personal business on Facebook, but we are out of other options and we could really use your help. 

Derek and I have been working with a fertility clinic for a while now so that we can achieve our dream of creating a family. Unfortunately, our amazing friend and would-be gestational carrier has had to back out due to personal issues and we've already spent a great deal of money that will go to waste if we don't find another one and begin the fertilization process within the next nine months. This is a very expensive process that will already end up costing between $50k and $60k, so we aren't able to pay the more than $100k that a surrogacy agency charges (and that the surrogate sees almost none of). So we have to do what I hate doing more than you know; ask for help. 

So I ask: Are you or do you know someone that has ever wanted to be a gestational carrier? (Gestational means that it will not be your egg - you are the oven that cooks the bun) You must have already had at least one uncomplicated pregnancy, be under age 35, have health insurance (or allow us to find you a provider at our cost), not smoke or do drugs, have a BMI of 34 or less, and live in a safe and loving environment that will grow our child. We, of course, would take care of every expense from start to finish and decide with you your fee for helping us. 

Please feel free to call, text, or share if you think you may be able to help us fulfill our dream of having a family. Thank you!

The responses were overwhelming. Even if we hadn't found anyone suitable to be your gestational surrogate from it, I would have been so glad we chose to share our struggle. Our friends shared the post, then their friends shared it, and before we knew it, it had practically gone viral. Complete strangers literally from all over the country responded by telling us about them and let us know that they were there for us if we needed them, offering to carry you. It was by far the most beautiful and humbling experience of my life thus far. We tried to keep track of everyone who contacted us but that became impossible to do by memory alone. But it made for one heck of a birthday for Daddy.

Somewhere in the midst of the beautiful chaos, a woman sent us a message saying that her friend Tiffany would be interested if someone would contact her. I clicked on the link to her name, just like I had done with dozens of women before her, but I instantly knew that she was someone special. If you're thinking this is an exaggeration because she's the one we ended up choosing, your Daddy and Aunt Shanna will tell you it's not - I didn't stop talking about her for days. There was just something so pure and beautiful about her. It was obvious that she loved her family fiercely, a quality you already know I admire. Her eyes and smile exuded love and unabashed joy. I knew she was smart because her grammar and spelling were perfect, but I knew she was far from pretentious because there were pictures of her shaving her head to raise money for a cancer charity. She had already been planning to be a surrogate in the coming year, so I also felt great comfort in knowing she had a good idea of what was to come. At the end of that week, we had dinner with her and her family and I was happy to learn that my instincts were correct. She was incredible. To top things off, we adored her boyfriend and had a great time laughing it up with him and we admired her smart and well behaved children, Exhibits A and B of her hard work and dedication as a mother.

Meeting them taught me and your Daddy an important lesson we didn't expect. We thought that having a baby would be the thing that finally made us a family. But adding your Aunt Tiffany and Uncle Craig into our lives made us realize that we'd already made a family, and that it was one we couldn't wait to bring you into.

We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy

Your Egg Donor

My darling child,

When your Daddy and I first began seriously considering IVF and surrogacy, we knew we would have to choose an egg donor as well. We started with websites online where sweet, young, and beautiful women offer their eggs to parents who need them to start a family, and we looked at all of the options available to us. Sure, these women were all very beautiful and well-educated, but those things didn't matter in the end.  It was very important that we chose someone who above all things, embodied both strength and compassion. But, we would probably never meet these women in person, so it was impossible to know what they were really like.

It was also very important for us that your egg donor be someone that you could meet if you ever chose to do so. One of the reasons I'm writing Your Story is so that you know where you come from and why you are here. Most of these women, however, were not interested in knowing what happened to their eggs after they donated them, and that was not what me and Daddy wanted for you. 

During my many hours of researching IVF, surrogacy, and egg donation, I came across a story of a woman who was struggling with infertility. She had learned that her eggs were not healthy enough to create a child and was absolutely devastated. She shared with her sister what she was going through and her sister replied without even thinking it over, "I want you to use my eggs." The sister struggling with infertility was initially shocked, but as time went on, she realized that using her sister's egg would be the best way to maintain a biological connection, and ultimately agreed. Once the child had arrived, the mother realized how her own blood was truly pumping through the heart of her child and was so glad to have used the help of her sister. The experience also brought her and her sister closer together and she never had a single regret. I continued to do more research on the topic and found that siblings helping their siblings create a child was becoming more and more common. 

That got me to thinking about your Aunt Misty. What would she think about this? Would she consider it? Is it weird for a brother to ask a sister for her eggs? I was a little disappointed at first, knowing that definitely meant your Daddy's DNA would be used and not mine, but your Daddy and I discussed it and decided we would ask.

"Of course. If the doctor thinks I have good eggs, of course you can have them," she said on the phone, without hesitation or even a second thought. Now, I have to admit that selfishly, what I was most excited about initially was knowing that you and I would still have a biological connection, even if you weren't from my DNA specifically. But as time went on, I began to realize just how special this was. 

Let me tell you a little about your Aunt Misty. She and I grew up together and were less than two years apart in age and have been inseparable (even when we wanted desperately to be separate) since she was born. She's the longest friendship I've ever been able to keep and there's no one else on this earth who shares all of the same childhood memories as me. 

My darling child, when I finally get to see your perfect face, I pray to God that I can see some of your Aunt Misty in you too. She is truly one of the most remarkable people I've ever known because everything she does, she does it fiercely. She loves her family so fiercely that we all know without a doubt, she would jump through hoops of fire to secure our happiness and safety. Whatever job she's doing, she does it fiercely because she believes that her work is a reflection of her character and she knows that people are counting on her. She's battled her addictions fiercely and proved all the statistics wrong to show that she is not defined by her mistakes and that she can and will thrive. She is smart but humble, caring but courageous. We are blessed to have her in our family and you are blessed to have her DNA in your blood. 

It used to make me nervous that you and your Aunt Misty might have a special bond that would make me a little jealous. Now I hope and pray that your bond with her is every bit as special as the one she and I share. 

We love you to the Moon and back, 
Pappy and Daddy

Learning the Process and the Law

My darling child,

After waiting nearly a month, the day of our first consultation had finally arrived. Your Daddies were so nervous and had no idea what to expect, but we were excited nonetheless. We walked into Dr Chuong's office at the Cooper Institute for Reproductive Medicine, signed in, and were handed a stack of paperwork to fill out. That paperwork served as another reminder to us that we would be adventuring on a rarely taken path - on every form, we had to scratch out "wife" and insert "husband."

Once that was done, we were called back by a nurse named Nancy. Nancy was young and full of joy. Her cheerful disposition immediately put us at ease, but she wasted no time at all delving into the specifics of what was to come. Nancy's role was explaining the medical procedures. She spoke 100 miles an hour, used words that neither of us were familiar with, and gave us the rundown of seven months of work in under five minutes. When she left the room to go get the next nurse, your Daddy and I just looked at each other, wondering what in the world had just happened. It was very overwhelming, but Nancy was so sweet and optimistic that we decided to see what the next nurse had to say.

This nurse spoke even faster, used even bigger words, and had a very thick accent that made understanding any of it next to impossible. Her role in the consultation was to give us a sneak peek into the legal contracts, psychological evaluations, and other necessary non-medical processes that take place. By the time she had left the room, your Pappy and Daddy's heads were spinning.  Hopefully everything she just said would be in the pamphlets she left behind for us to take home.

Finally, Dr Choung himself walked in. He was an older man and it was quite clear that he didn't have many gay friends. One of the first things he said to us in his heavy accent was, "Being gay is cool now, is it not?" It was actually very sweet, if you can picture it. He went on to tell us that he had only ever worked with one gay couple before who came in with two surrogates and both ended up getting pregnant with twins. Yikes! By the end of our consultation, we felt confident that we were in the right place for us, even if they weren't quite sure how to handle us. (One of our most favorite moments at the clinic happened one afternoon when we were about to leave, but Dr Chuong saw us in the hallway and asked us to wait. He came back with a photocopy he had made of an article about Gay Day at Disneyworld, a day that families with gay parents can come have fun without any fears in the back of their mind. Even though your Daddy and I don't feel the need to attend 'Gay Days,' it meant a whole, whole lot to us that our Dr, who still wasn't quite sure what to make of us, went out of his way to share something he was proud of and hoped would help our family.)

After leaving the consultation, we consulted with a lawyer who told us about the laws in Texas. It was possible, but long and expensive - even more than the IVF procedure. Even though we weren't thrilled that only one of us could be a legal parent at birth and that the other would have to "adopt" you once you were born, we didn't care. If that's what it took, that's what we would do. (Fate stepped in again later and revealed to us a much better plan.)

We now had all the information we needed to proceed. Most importantly, we knew how much money we needed to save and immediately began our diet of Ramen Noodle Soup and Hamburger Helper. And for the first time, it all felt so very real. Our baby was finally coming home.

We love you to the Moon and back,
Pappy and Daddy